Mystery Issue

My Latest Conspiracy

When I first ran for public office in 1999, I found myself in the middle of a cluster of conspiracies leading up to the WTO protest. Campaign 2026 is also a whirlwind of conspiracy, but there’s one conspiracy theory in particular that I’m a little obsessed with, partly because I’m one of the star witnesses. Moreover, it may have almost cost me my life. Fortunately, I got off with nothing more than a fractured skull and bleeding in the brain. And my employer paid all my medical bills without even questioning me about the incident.

I’m not aware that there was even an investigation, even though I was left for dead on the edge of the company’s property.

But it isn’t my conspiracy alone. In fact, there may be thousands of workers in King County who are being impacted by this conspiracy without their knowledge. And if an individual does discover what’s going on, that’s probably as far as they’re going to get. Contacting government agencies may be a waste of time. There are rumors that even the Washington State Attorney General is ignoring allegations of systemic felony. Funny, the WA Attorney General wasted no time contacting me in 2024 when I unintentionally broke a campaign law in connection with my very conspiratorial book Jew Flu (about the coronavirus pandemic), which was a misdemeanor at worst.

I have a hunch the Teamsters could shed some light on some of the issues I alluded to above. Speaking of which, Pramila Jayapal’s husband was associated with the Teamsters. That explains why she gets so many endorsements from corrupt labor unions. Maybe I should ask Pramila to investigate some of my conspiracy theories.

But don’t go spreading rumors. After all, I do have a reputation as a conspiracy kook, and I probably wasn’t thinking clearly when I woke up in the emergency room with a fractured skull and the imprint of a thug’s shoe on my face. The individual who more recently started feeding me information about a stunning string of (alleged) scandals could be a kook, too. She gave me a copy of a document with my forged signature . . . but how do I know she didn’t forge it herself? Then again, a company official later admitted they were forging our signatures, but how do I know he isn’t a kook as well?

It gets worse. You see, I keep hearing rumors about similar things (allegedly) happening on other shifts, at other work sites, among other corporations, and in other states. Are we just talking about business as usual in Corporate America? Are they determined to screw workers even harder even as they’re furiously downsizing in the name of automation and artificial intelligence?

In other news, would you believe me if I told you an 80-pound weight-lifting set fell on my head, and I survived it with nothing worse than a broken nose? However, that may not be the strangest thing about that story, which turned into a miniature soap opera.

At any rate, I was reluctant to talk about some of these things for legal reasons. But if I do decide to talk about them, I’ll post more information here on July 4, 2026 in commemoration of the July 4, 1999 burgarly of the Seattle School District’s legal office.

And if, by some amazing chance, I suffer the same fate as those Boeing whistle-blowers, I want you to know I have no intention of committing suicide.